Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
