he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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