He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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