my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
