So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
The ass gains better be worth it
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