I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
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You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
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Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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