my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
