Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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