Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
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There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
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Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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