I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
