i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
