dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
the condom got lost in my hair
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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