It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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