Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
bring money and cleavage
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
