I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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