I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
