when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
