i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
