Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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