my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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