I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
