I am spending my child support on dildos
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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