I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
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