My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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