He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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