im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
