Well apparently he's into motor boating.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
