I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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