Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
