I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
