I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
