i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
