that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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