She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
