i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
