I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
