i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
