Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
