Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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