And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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