guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
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When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
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when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
my liver is dry heaving
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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