my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
