i just sent this text using only my big toe
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
