Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
