are you still at the devil's house?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
