i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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