He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Couch. On fire.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
