Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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