in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
ttyl tear gas
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
