after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
