i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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