my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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