he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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