he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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