Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
